


Flower boy

by Socioskull



Category: Phan, dan and phil, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Anorexia, BADASS PHIL, Bulimia, Cats, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friendship, High School, Highschool AU, Humiliation, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Abuse, Or Is It?, Past Abuse, Past Non/con, Past Rape, Pastel Dan, Pastel Dan Howell, Phan - Freeform, Physical Abuse, Platonic Romance, Poor Dan, Public Humiliation, Punk Phil, Punk Phil Lester, Rape, Recovery, Sad Dan Howell, Sadness, Sexual Abuse, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Therapy, Underaged Sex, Verbal Abuse, bulimic dan, bulimic dan howell, but he’s a nice asshole, dan Howell whumpage, dan howell whump, dan’s lowkey got an eating disorder, highschool, idk at this point fam just read it, phil Is just an asshole tbh, platonic friendship, someone gets the shit beat out of them, teenage relationships, that sounded wrong, underaged drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-04-01 00:49:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13986891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Socioskull/pseuds/Socioskull
Summary: The one where Dan is a hurt and small Pastel boy and Phil is a punk asshole.Formally “Bleeding hearts and pastel tears”....





	1. Awkward beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I need to stop and just focus on one story. BUT HOPE U ENJOY, COMMENT IF I SHOULD CONTINUE!!!
> 
>  
> 
> PS PLS DONT HATE ME FOR PHILS ASSHOLE-ISH CHARACTER THANKS NOW ENJOY READING.

He glanced up at the clock. For fucks sake, it’s been almost an hour and he was still sitting in the bland office. Not like he was in any rush to get back to class but...there was better shit to do than to stare at a white wall and the butt-ugly vice principle. And that better shit to do included literally anything in the world. Like fuck he’d have a better time trying to dig a hole to China with a fucking spoon.

 

“Can I leave now? I’m not, and you certainly aren’t getting any younger here,” Phil smirked.

 

“I’m sure you would like to leave Mr. Lester, but until we reach a final conclusion on what your punishment will be, you will be sitting here.”

 

Phil huffed and slouched down even further in the plastic chair. He rolled his eyes as the counselor, Mrs. Single-forever, when she reached down and began to whisper in Mr. Butt-ugly’s ear. Whatever she was saying must’ve been enticing because he began making little hums of agreement. A minute or so later he turned his attention back to Phil.

 

“Ok Mr.Lester. I -we-..have a proposition for you.”

 

“Well if I can get out of this office any faster, then please, tell me.”

 

“Since normal disciplinary action has proved Ineffective, and we are unable to expel you **(haha whoever came up with the stupid ‘no expel rule’ was STUPID as as fuck)** we have decided something.”

 

“Well obviously. What is it?”

 

“Your schedule will be changed. All new classes.”

 

“I’m sorry what?”

 

“All new classes. Regular, no advanced courses, also you will be in a class for...other struggling students. Called ‘life lessons’ class. Also you no longer have a free period. You’re in art.”

 

“What the fuck...are you even allowed to do this...,” Phil questioned, his voice rising in octave in parallel with his panic and frustration.

 

“Yes phil. We where given the go ahead to do these things a few years ago. You’re not the only bad child we’ve had here.”

 

“What the fuck...”

 

“Language Lester. And Mrs. Rombust is printing your schedule as we speak. You should be well on your way within the next few minutes,” Mr. Butt-ugly said, smiling condescendingly.

 

“What fuckin-...”

 

“Language Mr.Lester...”

 

A lady with short black hair and an unbelievable nose poked her head through the door. Phil made a mental note: That Lady’s name would be Mrs. Nose.

Short, simple, and sweet. Phil smirked.

 

“Here is the new schedule you requested sir?” She sounded like a motherfucking mouse.

 

“Of course of course. Thank you, Mrs. Rombust,” he said while swiveling towards Phil in his stupid rolly chair.

“Here you go Mr.Lester. Your new schedule. Please make your way to your next class,” Mr.Butt-ugly said while handing the paper to Phil.

 

Butt-ugly had a pedophile smile.

 

He snatched it from the vice principle’s hand and stood up.

“Fuck you,” he mumbled under his breath as he stormed out.

Phil glanced down at the paper. Algebra, Anatomy, English, world history, art 1, reading, and life lessons. God what the fuck was this bullshit? Anatomy and art where the only classes that even remotely interested him...but he had already missed the first few periods. He’d probably pop in though to take a look and see what ‘life lessons’ was like. There was still about 45 minutes till art...enough time to skip and get a drink. Phil glanced at the glass doors to the front office, the same doors he had just walked out of, and began heading towards the exit.

 

“””””

 

By the time he walked back into school, vodka in a water bottle in hand, it was time for art. The classroom stank. Like cheap paint and playdoh. There was about 20 people in the class and Phil’s quick once over proved no one was worth his time.

 

“Phil Lester?” The teacher questioned.

 

“In the flesh.”

 

“Well alright. The only seat I have open right now is next to Dan. Dan please raise your hand.”

 

A pale hand lifted and reached towards the sky. Phil’s eyebrows shot upwards. He had definitely missed this...interesting...looking person when he first walked into the room **(probably due to the fact that he was slouched down and hidden completely by a rather large person in front of him)**.

He had pale pink hair, with a unbelievably oversized hoodie the same shade of pink as his hair and white skinny jeans. He was also pale skin as well....a least a few shades lighter than Phil.

By the time Phil had made it to his seat and was right next to the boy, the overpowering smell of honey or some other girly scent stung in his nose. He was drawing some type of flower...one with about 15 billion flowers. With a pink colored pencil.

Of fucking course. Why did he have to be sitting next to this nut job. Phil could almost see him prancing around the hallways, flamboyant as fuck and talking about nothing special.

Maybe it was the vodka or the fact that he just didn’t care but the words slipped out of his mouth. They just slipped. Words he would probably always regret **(but Phil didn’t know this yet)**.

 

“God could you be anymore gay?”

 

The pink haired stranger looked up, eyes wide. His mouth parted as though he was about to say something, but it quickly snapped back shut. Then he- Dan-looked back down, eyes noticeably growing red and watery.

A short five, maybe ten seconds later he went back to drawing the incredibly complicated flower and its billions of petals.

 

“””””

 

When his ‘life lessons’ class rolled around Phil was fucking exhausted.

He walked into the classroom and his eyes landed straight on the person he did not want to see. The Pink haired fairy. He was sitting at a desk, hunched over and scribbling in a notebook.

Phil smirked and walked over to him.

 

“Hey wassup fairy? I thought this ‘life lessons’ class was for people That were...struggling...,” Phil jeered.

 

“Um...it is,” Dan responded.

Phil raised his eyebrows. He had a British accent, just like himself.  

“Then what the fuck is someone like you doing here? What? Daddy not buying you enough pink clothes?”

 

Dan blinked. Hard. And fast. Then he grabbed his notebook and backpack and promptly walked out of the classroom. What? They were allowed to do that?

Phil snorted and sat down where Dan had been sitting, the smell of honey still hanging in the air. He glanced around the room and noticed the other four students **(small ass class)** staring at him with a judgy look plastered all over their faces.

 

“What,” he snapped.

 

“Asshole,” some black haired girl muttered before turning away. Phil huffed then turned away as well once the teacher came in and began ‘teaching away’.

 

/////

 

Dan sniffled and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. God he hated school. And what the freak was a new kid with shitty tattoos and piercings doing talking to him like that. And he fact that Dan had said nothing back proved how weak he was anyways. But the dude reminded Dan of _him_.

The jeering was how it started.

You would think that someone from the same country as you would be a little more welcoming.

Dan sobbed once more then began driving home. His empty home. His dad was at a business meeting in some other country and his mother worked night shift. She was gone by the time Dan got back from school and just getting home as he left for it. There was no one to talk to.

Dan arrived home at 3pm...plenty of time to wallow in his own misery and shame.

He walked into his room, walls decorated with framed flowers, paintings, and drawings all done by himself. He had a grey blanket, one that matched his mood 24/7. Every step he took towards his bed he lost an article of clothing till he was in nothing but his boxers. Dan threw himself down onto the bed. He closed his eyes and listened to the outside world. Birds or something would be nice to hear but all there was was the unnerving sound of cars going by. Dan swung his arm around and off the bed and rummaged through the bag on the floor until his hands found the object being searched for...his phone. He unlocked it and searched through his music library finding his preferred playlist, one that composed entirely of sad depressing songs. He hit play then threw the phone back down. Dan closed his eyes once more and let the music guide him away.

 

“””””

 

When he woke up it was dark outside **(late at night or early in the morning?)** and his phone had died.

Dan poked his head above the covers and brush an unruly lock of hair out of his eyes. He hadn’t had any nightmares which was unusual.

After plugging up his phone, he got up and went to the bathroom checking the digital clock **(which read 4:47am)** before he got there. It was too late to go back to sleep but too early to head to school. He could probably just get dressed and drive around town till School started.

Dan brushed his teeth and hair then went to go pick out clothes, an oversized white hoodie with these cute little flowers on the sleeves and pink skinny jeans. Despite popular opinion, pink wasn’t his favorite color and Dan was planning on redying his hair again. Perhaps purple and baby blue or just baby blue? His options where endless and he was going to consider all of them.

By the time he finished getting ready it was only 5:30am. Dan grabbed his keys and backpack **(which was nearly empty except for a spiral notebook, his pencil pouch, wallet, and phone with the charger so he wasn’t entirely sure why he even bothered carrying it around)** and headed out towards his car, skipping breakfast. Driving helped clear Dan’s mind. He could go anywhere and as long as he obeyed all traffic laws, no one could stop him. Driving was thinking time. Thinking about the past and everything he had done wrong **(because he had done nothing right of course)**.

Tears prickled behind his brown eyes. Dan cried way more than a normal person. Someone said something to him **(like the asshole from yesterday)** he cried, someone looked at him wrong he cried, someone put their hand on him he cried. He was sensitive **(with good reason)**. No one really made fun of him though. No matter how many pastel clothes he wore and how quiet he was nobody except him picked on Dan.

By the time the final bell for school rolled around, Dan was stepping into his class with an empty cup of what used to be a Vanilla milkshake. His first few classes went around without incident like they typically do until Art. The asshole **(phil? Was that his name?)** was still sitting right next to him, smirk on his lips.

Dan went to his seat and sat down with a huff. Phil didn’t even look up. Dan quickly got to drawing.

 

“””””

 

Phil ignored him the rest of the day. 

Dan didn’t mind.

When the final bell rang and Dan began the walk to his car, two rough hands grabbed his hoodie.

 

“Hey Baby missed you.”

 

_Him._

 

 It was _him_.

 

Dan went rigid. He was paralyzed. And being led away behind the school building. It had only been a few weeks since he last saw _him_ but there was still fear. Quite a bit of it.

 _He_ slammed Dan against a brick wall and pressed up against him, breath hot on his ear.

 

“I’ve missed you.”

 

A hand began to grope between his legs.

 

“Have you told anybody,” _he_ asked, leaning in close to Dan and smelling his skin.

 

Dan whimpered. “No..I’m sorry..”

 

 _He_ squeezed Dan painfully hard.

 

“Yeah. You should be.” _He_ smiled.

 

Then _he_ was gone.

 

And Dan was still standing there against the wall, noticeably shaking. He felt sick.


	2. Party of the century...(perhaps this was true beginning of us?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t visible to all.”

Phil tapped his fingers against the desk, ring making a dull clink sound. Art for the most part was fun but his teachers damn lectures about nothing and Dans obnoxious girly smell made it somewhat terrible.

Phil wasn’t homophobic. Fuck, he was gay. You can’t be gay and be homophobic though can you? There was something about Dan that irked Phil, maybe he had one of those elementary crushes on him. In elementary school your bully always had the biggest crush on you. Whatever.

Phil glanced down at the smaller boy who was busy drawing a meadow full of flowers. His eyes quickly traveled to his hair , which Phil would have easily been jealous of if he liked such bright colors on himself. Dans hair looked soft and fluffy and he really just wanted to reach up and touch it and...wait..was that a hickey?

  
No.

  
No fucking way.

  
The little pink haired boy had a dark red hickey on the side of his neck that definitely hadn’t been there yesterday.

  
“Aw little Dan has a hickey...how cute,” Phil said reaching up to brush it with his fingers tips.

  
“I didn’t think someone like you could get some ass,” he taunted. A proud smirk rested on his face but almost instantly faded.

  
Dan flinched. Hard. So hard he almost fell out of his chair causing the entirety of the class to turn around and stare.  
The startled teen slowly arranged himself back into a normal position while furiously blushing.

  
“Please stop,” he whispered.

  
Phil blinked.

  
“Ok Dan.”

  
Dan quickly look up at him in surprise like he had been expecting Phil to keep going. Phil wasn’t that bad was he? He’d only been in the class for two days. Besides, he was pretty sure anyone would stop teasing him after that little fucking scene. Who flinches that hard anyways **(although Phil already knew the answer, he had been in this position before, but let’s not tell him that yet.)**

 

/////

 

**Gabby: Hey. Party at Jackson’s. U comin? I need support!**

**Dan: Support for what Gabs?**

**Gabby: PLS! I NEED U DAN!**

**Dan: Alr fine. Just pick me up whenever. Idc.**

**Gabby: Thxs babes, b there at like 7.**

**Dan: K.**

Dan peeked at the timer. Only Five more minutes until he had a new head of hair. Baby blue with a slightly darker shade at the ends **(at least that’s what he hoped it turned out as.)**

  
There was still about two hours until Gabby (one of his only friends) would come and take him to whatever party she wanted to go to.  
He washed the dye out of his hair and looked into the mirror.  
His hair was a little darker than planned and the pink that was originally in it was still a tad bit visible in spots.  
Dan loved it.  
He went to his closet to pick out an outfit, peeling off his hair dye stained clothes. He settled on a grey tank top, black sweater, and black skinny jeans.  
Good enough.

 

“”””””

 

By the time he got there, the part was raging. Dan was surprised the cops hadn’t already showed up. Some type of rap boomed through the speakers and rowdy **(obviously drunk)** teens where playing around on the front lawn. Inside the was worse. Strobe lights had been set up, couples were making out **(more like dry humping)** on the couch, and red solo cups littered the floors. It looked like a botched horror house where instead of monsters there were wasted teenagers.

  
Dan stepped further into the house, Gabby already gone **(big surprise there)** , looking for some place quiet to sit until Gabby was ready to leave **(because fuck he had no other ride)**.  
Eventually he found a back room only with a few other people there chatting and drinking. They were obviously people like Dan, looking for a place with normal lights **(although the ones in the room where fairly dim)** and not so many drunk and wild people.  
He sat down on the couch and rested his head on his hands because holy fuck this was going to be a long night.

He must’ve dozed off or spaced out because the next thing he felt was a large hand on his thigh.

Oh god.

Oh fuck.

 _Him._  

  
Dans eyes snapped open and his head pivoted towards the person.

  
Oh fuckity fuck.

  
Where was everyone else in the room? Had they all left?  
A white toothy grin flashed at him.

  
“Hey baby. I missed you,” _he_ shoved a drink into Dans face “,drink?”

  
“No thanks.”

  
The drink was shoved into his hand. Dans eyes began to sting.

  
Oh lord. Not tonight. Tears stay away.

  
“Why don’t we go someplace quieter hmm,” _he_ whispered in a seductive tone.

  
“No...no thanks.”

  
A hand grasped his arm and tightened.

  
“Let’s go Dan.”

  
The iron grip dragged him down to a secluded hallway, right next to a row of bedrooms where people where probably having sex.  
Dan was harshly pushed up against the wall effectively knocking the air out of him. A silent cry escaped and suddenly there were rough wet lips pressed against his own. Dan couldn’t push _him_ away, couldn’t move, couldn’t breath. _He_ was too strong.  
He couldn’t do anything.

 

/////

 

Phil didn’t care for parties. He didn’t hate them or anything, but they were just simply too loud like this one. The only place that had an excuse to be loud was a concert, not a fucking house party.  
He zipped up his pants and looked down at the person still kneeling on the floor, cum dripping from his lips.

  
“That was really good. Thanks,” Phil said **(awkwardly)**.

  
“No problem babe,” the older looking male said.

  
Phil exited the bedroom and began looking for the front door. He had gotten what he came for, there was no reason the stay.

  
He had almost made it out of the hallway in a soft cry distracted him.  
Phil turned to were the sound had come from, the far end of the hallway. A small form sat huddled on the floor with their head between their knees.

  
“Hey are you ok?”

  
The person shifted a bit and Phil only caught a small portion of blue hair and and pale skin.

  
“Hey....,” Phil had gotten close enough to him and reached out to tap their shoulder. They flinched and their head shot up.

  
“D-dan?”

  
“Hey Phil,” Dan replied so softly Phil almost didn’t hear him.

  
“You okay?”

  
“Yeah.”

  
“You want a ride?”

  
He blinked up at Phil. He looked so lost and confused Phil worried that he hadn’t even understood the question.

  
“Dan?”

  
“Sure thanks.”

  
Dan slowly stood up, violently shivering. He was only wearing jeans and a tank top which was odd considering Phil had only ever seen him wearing long sleeves.

  
But hey.

  
Party attire.

  
“Are you cold? Do you want to borrow my jacket?”

  
Dan just kept shivering, never answering Phil’s question. Phil slowly took off his jacket it and draped it on Dans shoulders.

  
“Come on...my cars this way.”

  
They began to walk, Dan slowly shuffling behind the older male. By the time they arrived at Phil’s car, Dan shaking had only gotten worse.

  
The light from the car made it easier to see the fragile looking boy so April looked him up and down, taking in every detail.  
Dans eyes were watery and red and his hair was a new color. A pretty color with blues and pinks.

  
He slowly lowered himself into the car avoiding all eye contact with Phil.

  
“Why are you being nice,” he whispered.

  
“I’m sorry.”

  
Dan just continued to stare off into space.

  
“I’m sorry for being an asshole. I don’t know. That’s just who I am.”

  
The rest of the car ride is silent with the occasional shuddering breath of Dan **(plus the turn here, and other directions)**.

They pulled up to Dans house after about 15 minutes.

It was a small plain house, with a few plants in the front **(because Phil was expecting an entire garden with how many flowers this man draws)**.

“Um...Can I have your number,” Phil blurted out as Dan was getting out of the car.

  
“S-sure...”

  
With shaky hands Dan took his phone and type in his number. Then he quietly got out the car and closed the door.

  
Phil didn’t drive away until he was sure Dan had made in inside the house.

 

Then he drove away.

  
And then he made in to his slightly larger house with way too many trees in the front and the backyard.

  
He turned off his car.

  
Then he angrily punched the steering wheel so hard that the horn honked and he would probably have a bruised fist tomorrow.

  
The way Dan looked angered him.  
It wasn’t the red teary eyes or the shaking and shivering. Fuck is wasn’t even how scared he sounded.  
It was his pants.

  
_They were unbuttoned._


	3. This is most definitely very strange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every thought is a battle
> 
> Every breath is a war

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to clarify some things real quick. 
> 
> Phil is taller than Dan in this fic. Dan is about 5’10 and Phil is 6’2. 
> 
> :))

Dan didn’t come to school the next day but Phil didn’t really mind. Dan and him weren’t friends so there was no reason for him to worry or even care about the boy.

  
He sat in ‘life lessons’ class, which turned out to be a relatively ok class. Most of the time the four other people in the class just sat and talked to each other or used their phones while the teacher sat at his desk sleeping. Phil had dubbed the teacher Mr. Sleepy. It was just too easy. Mr. Sleepy occasionally lectured about shit like anger and stress management but for the most part he was conked out drooling all over the desk.  
Today everyone was huddled in a group talking about the party and who-fucked-who and who got in a fight.

 

  
“Hey Phil,” a blonde girl smacking obnoxiously on her gum nudged him.

 

  
“What,” he sighed. 

 

  
“Is it true you and Pastel Freak where hangin out at the party? Delia said she saw y’all walking out together,” she said gesturing towards the girl sitting across from Phil. She just so happened to be the same girl that called him asshole the first day. 

 

  
“Um...I gave him a ride home but we didn’t really talk or anything. Why,” Phil responded, cocking his eyebrows up.

 

  
“Well I just wanted to tell you to be careful, cuz like, his boyfriend is super overprotective. He’s always around him. They’ve been together for like..ever.”

 

  
“He has a boyfriend?”

 

  
Obnoxious blonde turned towards Delia and rolled her eyes in a not so subtle way.

 

  
“Um..yeah? That’s why like no one even talks to him or makes fun of him. Like legit, without his boyfriend he’d totally be bullied. His boyfriend is hella scary.”

 

  
“Well me and Dan aren’t really friends or anything so no need to worry about me,” Phil replied, sarcasm dripping from his mouth.

 

  
Blondie rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to the rest of the group. Delia kept staring at him.  
She was pretty. She had jet black hair and snake bite piercings with blue eyes **(contacts perhaps?)**. Too bad Phil liked boys or else he would’ve totally been all over her like the horny little teenage boy he was.

  
Phil sneered at her then looked away, ignoring both her and Blondie the rest of the period.  
The bell rang not twenty minutes later and Phil bolted out of the class. He had shit to do, people to see, and people to fuck with.

  
Nearing the edge of the ‘school zone’ he saw his group of friends. His group of fellow misfits. Wolfgang, the guy that seemed to get in a fight every few minutes, Annalise, the group junkie who always had a needle in her arm and a new girlfriend everyday, Thomas, the group blackmarket dealer, and then last but surely not least, Phil. A major asshole, frequent user of LSD, and sex addict. All of them made a disfunctional group of friends. Needed someone beaten up? Wolfgang and Phil. Wanted to make sure the drugs you where taking where safe? Annalise. She’d take them without a second thought. Needed something illegal? Thomas.

  
They were the unbreakable group.

  
Wolfgang and Thomas where smoking a blunt and talking about something while Annalise attempted to balance on the edge of the curb.

 

  
“Hey.”

 

“Hey bro.”

 

“””””

 

By the time Phil got home it was 9pm. They had decided to go to some club and see how long they could stay before getting kicked out. Wolfgang had successfully gotten into three fights and Phil had received a handjob from some twenty-something year old. Annalise had disappeared for a short while then reappeared **(with red eyes and dilated pupils)** right before they got kicked out. Thomas hadn’t come with them, claiming he needed to go pick up a new ‘shipment’.

 

  
“Phil? Is that you?”

 

  
“Yes Alice.”

 

  
His foster mom came around the corner with her hands on her hips.

 

  
“What where you and your friends out doing?”

 

  
Phil looked at her. He was one hundred percent certain that Alice knew what he and his friends where doing, she just didn’t have the woman-balls to say anything directly to his face.

 

  
“Just hanging out at Thomas’s house eating pizza and stuff.”

 

  
“Mmm..okay..Well. Hurry up and do your homework and stuff and head to bed.”

 

”Yeah alright whatever.”

 

He huffed and started up the stairs, narrowly avoiding all five of his foster-siblings. They were all younger than him and all incredibly annoying so he rarely spoke or interacted with them unless he was forced to. 

Phil quickly got ready and got into bed, laying on his back. He slipped on his headphones and began to blast Emmure. 

Emmure had to be his favorite band of all time. His small room was decorated with posters of them and he had way too much band merch. 

He laid thinking for a few minutes. What possible sexual encounter he could get into tomorrow, if it would be possible to get his math teacher to have sex with him, when the next metal concert was coming to his area. Just normal thoughts of his. Eventually however, his thoughts on sex and metal began to fizzle out and Dan began popping up. His pretty hair and his quietness and how a blowjob from him would be an..-no. 

Phil wouldn’t think these thoughts. He wouldn’t let himself think about that with Dan. 

Dan was Dan. He wasn’t a hot, super attractive person that would blow him. Phil didn’t like Dan at all. 

Besides he had a boyfriend. 

He had a _boyfriend._

Phil snorted at that thought. A boyfriend? Girlfriend? That never stopped him before. 

He shifted so he was laying on his side. 

Phil didn’t like Dan. At all. _At all._  

Slowly, Phil’s eyes fell shut and he slept a dreamless sleep. 

 

“””””

 

Phil was up and out of the house by 9am.

He needed something to calm him down.

Not weed or anything, he was going to visit Thomas later tonight and see what he had. 

But he needed something.

Phil couldn’t figure about what exactly he was craving so he just simply got up and left the house. He only carried his wallet and iPhone in his back pocket of his black worn-down jeans. He wondered in the main roads first then moved on the the not-so-popular side of town. Antique stores and thrift stores took up majority of the space. It was pretty really, the strip had a slightly creepy but still somehow cheery vibe. The stores had flowers on the front and a lot of them where painted in a pastel color. Phil completely pushed all thoughts of Dan, the very pastel boy, out of his mind.

He wondered into a few thrift stores hoping to find some sick ass shit, and in one called ‘Nelly’s Nostalgia’ he scored these humongous pair of sunglasses and leather pants that where still in somewhat good shape. 

Phil began walking again until he came across exactly what he was looking for. 

The thing that he was craving. 

Timmys topsy turvy icecream parlor.

It had its name on a small billboard, alternating between upcase and lowercase letters. The store front had painted icecream cones on the front and a few plants lined the walkway.

When Phil walked in the first thing he noticed was the overwhelming smell of honey mixed with icecream. 

The server was facing away from Phil, messing with some type of machine. Hearing the bell that sounded when Phil walked through the door he began to turn around. 

 

“Hey welcome to Timmy’s icecream shop, how may I help yo-,” he cut off abruptly.

 

Phil looked up and froze as well, his heart in his throat. 

Dan. 

It was Dan. 

Of course. 

 

“...How may I help you?”

 

”Um..uh...just a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of cookie dough,” Phil replied. His heart was still hammering and he had no idea why. 

 

“S-scoop or a cup?..Oh I-i mean Cone... Cone or a cup?”

 

”Cup.”

 

Dan eyed him suspiciously before scooping Phil’s order into a cup. 

Phil paid and was just about to walk out when he heard Dan’s voice pipe up. 

 

“Phil...”

 

”Dan?”

 

”Why did you ask for my number if you weren’t ever going to text me?”

 

Oh shit. Phil had completely forgotten about having Dan’s number. Completely and utterly forgot.

 

”Oh. I’ve just been busy,” Phil replied with a sharp tone. Then he spun on his heels and left the cute little ice cream shop and a confused Dan. He needed drugs now too.  

 

“””””

 

Dan didn’t show up at school at all the rest of the week. 

Phil definitely did not worry at all. No, he didn’t even text the boy. 

Phil _did not_ likeDan. 

The only thing Phil did care about was sex and drugs and a new member that was invited to his group of friends. He popped up the day after Phil’s encounter with Dan at the icecream shop. His name was Flame oddly enough and was a complete and utter dick. Phil was an asshole, but Flame was a dick. There was a difference. Phil knew when enough was enough and he had feelings, Flame continued to taunt the person even after all people had called it quits and moved on. Also, he kept disappearing. He’d be there one moment and once Phil did so much as blink or turn away he was gone.

Whatever. Flame had only been with the group for two days so hopefully Thomas or Wolfgang would get tired of him soon and tell him to fuck off.

Phil hoped.  


	4. Family may never come first

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short drop, a sudden stop.

Dan didn’t show up until halfway through the next week. 

Neither boy said anything to each other. 

They said nothing about the party or how Phil had Dan’s number but never texted him. They said nothing about Phil walking into Dan’s job. 

They didn’t speak. 

Phil had stared at the top of Dan’s head studying every strand of dyed hair while Dan avoided eye contact at all possible cost. 

When the final bell rang Phil got up and walked out of the class at the speed of a bullet, trying to get to his friends as quickly as possible. He needed to talk to one of them. Urgently.

The chilly air stung his bare arms. 

Flame was still standing there spiked blonde hair and all his douchey-ness next to Wolfgang. 

 

“Hey what’s up bro,” he nearly shouted.

 

“Don’t call me bro.”

 

”Ooo...alright alright. Phil-o boy is feisty today.”

 

Phil glared at the other boy, rolled his eyes, then turned towards Annalise. 

 

“Wanna get out of here?”

 

”Sure.”

 

Annalise grabbed his hand and began walking. 

 

“Where are we gonna go?”

 

”I don’t know. My house I guess.”

 

”Okay.”

 

They walked hand-in-hand until they arrived at Phil’s house. Annalise raided his fridge, taking out potato chips, pickles, and mayo. She then promptly said a quick ‘Hi’ to Phil’s foster mom, then ran up the stairs before laying down on Phil’s bed. 

Yup, there was a reason why Annalise was one of his best friends. 

 

“So you wanted to talk about something,” she said, taking out a potato chip, dipping it in the mayo then laying a pickle slice on top. 

 

“Yeah umm... wait Annalise what the fuck are you eating?”

 

”Chill, it’s good. You wanna try,” she asked, holding out one of the chip-mayo-pickle creations to Phil. 

He took the chip then ate it. 

 

“Hm. Not bad. So anyways I needed to talk to you about something. It’s important. You can’t tell anyone else.”

 

”Trust me Philly I won’t.”

 

”Well there’s this guy..,” Phil began before being cut off with a girly ‘oooooo’ from Annalise.

 

”Phil’s gotta boyfriend, Phil’s gotta boyfriend,” she chanted. 

 

“Oh shut up,” he laughed “,he’s not my boyfriend but I think I actually like him. Like I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. And it’s not in the sex way. Like I can’t stop thinking about how cute his hair is and how cute his face is and how cute he is. And we barely even talk.”

 

”Well why don’t you start? Ask for his phone number or something?”

 

”I already have it. I asked for it like two weeks ago.”

 

”WELL THEN WHY DON’T YOU TEXT HIM,” she exclaimed.

 

”I don’t know. Been in denial lately.”

 

“Well you’re clearly not anymore so get on it hot-stuff.”

 

”All right all right I will.”

 

”Good Philly. Now. What to do next? Drugs or tv?”

 

Phil rolled his eyes.

 

”Why not both?”

 

”Now this,” she started, pointing dramatically at Phil, “ THIS is why me and you are like super close friends.”

 

“””””

 

Dan walked into his house and threw down his backpack. Today had been his first time back at school in nearly a week and no one said anything. No one batted an eye. 

No one had even noticed he had been gone.

 

“Dan is that you?”

 

His eyes widened. His mom was home and she was hardly ever home.

 

”Yeah?”

 

Dan walked to the kitchen to find his mom standing there, steel-eyes with her arms crossed over her chest. She wasn’t short, only an inch or two shorter than Dan, with his same brown hair and facial structure. She looked pissed. 

 

“M-mom?”

 

“Is there anything you want to tell me?”

 

”No I don’t think so? Have I done something wrong,” he asked, panicking. 

 

“Some guy came by today. While I was sleeping. Said he was your ‘boyfriend’ and wanted to see if you were home.”

 

”O-oh well I-“

 

”You’re a fag?”

 

”Huh,” Dan said, running a hand through his hair. 

 

“So it’s true then,” she asked with a dry laugh, taking his hesitance as confirmation.

 

”My only fucking son is a faggot?”

 

”W-well I-“

 

”No don’t fucking even. I’ve spent the past seventeen years raising you and this is how you repay me? I’ve clothed you. Fed you. I sang you lullabies so you could go to bed. And then you grow up to be this.”

 

The tears that had filled Dan’s eyes as soon as he saw his mother looking at him with hatred began to spill out of his eyes.  

 

“I always thought that maybe all the girly shit in your closet was a phase but now I see what it is. You’re a fucking fag.”

 

”Mommy I-i,” Dan began before being cut off **(yet again)** by his mother.

 

“What. What could you possibly have to say?”

 

“I-I’m still the same person,” he said, voice cracking.

 

”I promise I am. I’m sorry.”

 

”Yeah. Whatever,” she scoffed.

 

”You can stay here for now. But once you turn 18... you can get out. Five months left.”

 

”B-but..”

 

”Stop,” she said putting up a hand.

 

”Just stop. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say again. I’m going to go out now. Don’t do anything too gay while I’m gone,” she whispered in an eerily calm voice. 

 

She took a few steps towards Dan until they were face two face.

Then she harshly backhanded him across the cheek, causing his face to sting. 

Then she grabbed her purse and left the house.

Dan stood in the kitchen, frozen with shock and hurt and sadness. 

His own mother had just disowned him for being gay. She had just told him to get out once he turned 18. In a few short months he wouldn’t have a home. 

His feet began to move but his mind wasn’t paying attention. 

Dan was alone. He was officially alone. Gabby hadn’t texted him since the party probably assuming that he had blown her off. His dad hadn’t been home in months and hadn’t even called to say hello. 

He was alone. There would be no one.  It felt like a knife had been pushed deep into his gut and twisted around. Blood was pooling into his abdominal cavity and soon it would reach his lungs and it would fill those and he would drown. He would drown in his own misery and loneliness and there would be no one around to help save him.  

There was a hand around his heart that just kept squeezing and squeezing making it hard to breathe. 

Poison ivy was growing in his lungs and his arms and legs making it hard to move. Hard to do anything. 

He couldn’t breathe. 

Deep down Dan knew he was panicking. Deep down he knew that. 

But on the surface he was dying and lost and before he knew it he was laying in bed. His cheek was still stinging.

And then he was staring blankly at the dried flowers hanging on the wall. 

Because Dan knew what he had to do. 

All he was was an object for people to ignore. An object for people to use and then throw away when they were done. 

He had no one. Not even his own parents.

That was it.

He was invisible.

Dan closed his burning eyes and tried to fall asleep. 

He just wanted to sleep. 

 

/////

 

There was something wrong with Dan today. The overpowering honey smell that constantly followed him was mysteriously missing and he was wearing the same baby blue jumper and skinny jeans with flowers near the pockets from yesterday. His hair was messy and disheveled. 

He hadn’t been in art class at all that day.

Phil eyed the smaller boy cautiously. He had promised Annalise that he would speak to him but was now even a good time? 

Maybe Dan could use someone to talk to. 

Phil lightly tapped him on the shoulder and whispered his name. 

 

“Dan..”

 

A few seconds passed before he looked up. 

 

“Phil.”

 

”Are you okay?”

 

”Yeah. I’m fine.”

 

Phil bit the inside of his cheek. Dan was lying. Phil wasn’t that smart but he could read people and tell when they were lying. 

He debated on whether or not he should push. 

 

“Alright. If you insist.”

 

Dan looked at him with bloodshot eyes and dark bags underneath them. 

The bell rang a few seconds later and instead of bolting out of the room like he usually did, he waited until the pastel boy had gotten up and left, watching the back of his head retreat down the hall.

 

 “””””

 

“Text him,” Annalise said, tapping her foot. 

 

“Text him right fucking now or else I swear to god I wil...”

 

”Alright alright I text him, Jesus Christ. You’re like a fucking five pound kitten when you’re angry but you still got claws and they hurt,” Phil replied laughing. 

 

Phil pulled out his phone and took a deep breath, pressing on Dan’s icon. 

**Phil: Hey. It’s Phil.**

It was a few minutes before there was a reply. 

** Dan: hi **

**Phil: Hru? **

** Dan: fine **

**Phil: U sure? U seemed kinda sad during class. **

** Dan: why do you even care  **

Phil raised his eyebrows. How was he supposed to explain that he went from having a strong dislike for the boy to having a small crush?

** Phil: idk. Sorry for being an asshole.  **

** Dan: it’s ok ig.  **

Phil turned off his phone losing his nerve.  For someone that was so confident he got nervous easily. Usually after whatever he had been planning to do had been accomplished. 

 

“Happy,” he asked, looking up at Annalise from his position on the bed. 

 

“Yes Philly. Incredibly.”

 

/////

 

Dan didn’t show up to school the next day. He also didn’t respond to any texts Phil sent him. 

Phil blew it off and headed towards the auditorium. 

Some stupid shit about suicide prevention was being presented for whatever reason. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) *evil cackle*
> 
> IM SORRY I FEEL LIKE THIS CHAPTER WAS VERY DISAPPOINTING AND I THINK I COULDVE DONE BETTER IM SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY SHITTY WRITING
> 
> Ps:  
> Constructive criticism is great and I’d really appreciate it if someone gave me some thank u


	5. Pansy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Major trigger warning. Please heed all tags before proceeding. I didn’t want to romanize it too much, but it proved impossible. Sooo yeah. Also I didn’t realize it, but I didn’t mention that Dan and Phil are both in America, but they both have British accents. I will go back and correct this mistake later on. I just have no clue how things work in England and I didn’t want to b super inaccurate so... yeah.  
> And it won’t let my bold stuff anymore so sorry for my inconsistency with that bit!
> 
> Pls don’t hate me, ily and pls enjoy this chapter. Ignore grammar errors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this is how my life is going to be, I don’t want it anymore.

Dan rolled the delicate flower between his fingers, watching the colors spin in circles. 

The pretty purples and bright yellow in the center. 

Pansies where pretty. Why calling someone a pansy as an insult was beyond Dan. 

He would love to be as beautiful as one. As delicate and beautiful and earthly as one. 

Another tear rolled down his cheek, leaving a wet trail and dropping onto the paper. He wasn’t sure if he should leave a note or not. 

If anyone would even want to read or hear what his final words would be. 

 

_I’m sorry. Really really sorry for everything I put you through and I’m sorry about how fucked up I am. I just really wanted to be the son that you always wanted._

_I just wanted you to love me._

_Mommy I’m sorry I’m so unloveable._

_I think that maybe if I wasn’t gay or maybe if I didn’t wear pink all the time you would love me better but I can’t change._

_I can’t and I’m sorry mommy. You don’t love me so I shouldn’t even bother right?_

_I’m a waste of space and time and money and everything else._

_I understand that now._

_I understand how hopeless and how disgusting and dirty I am._

_I don’t want to be this way anymore. I don’t want you to hate me anymore and I don’t want anyone to do things to me that I don’t want anymore._

_I’m weak and I’m not the son you deserve. I am nothing._

_Please I hope you forgive me after this._

_This is my apology to you and I hope it’s good enough._

_Please let this be good enough for you mommy because I don’t want to be a disappointment for you anymore._

_Please._

_~ Dan_

 

His tears kept falling onto the paper, smearing the dark blue ink. It was such a pathetic excuse for a note and the same thoughts kept running through his head.  _You’re being an attention whore. Your life isn’t even bad. Pussy. You’re jumping to conclusions too quickly._

Dan had almost listened to them. Almost. 

The shard of glass that had been placed above his heart, dangling on a thin string, since _he_ came into his life had snapped. The glass had impaled his heart, tearing it to shreds. All that was left of the mangled and abused muscle was the blood. It filled his body up and ran out of his eyes in the form of salty tears and out his nose in the form of snot. All he had left was his family and his one friend.

And they had left him. 

Dan had texted Gabby maybe a few hours ago. 

** Me: Gab pls im sorry pls pls respond I need to tlk. **

No response. 

But why would she respond? Dan hadn’t even texted her when he left the party. 

He gently set down the flower of the paper then looked at the bottles on the dresser. 

_Codeine. NyQuil. Benadryl._

He swallowed hard. If he where to do this, there would be no turning back. 

_But what if things got better?_

Dan shook the thought from his head. As long as he had no family and his ex **(formerly know as _him_ )** was making his life a living hell, nothing would get better. Things would never get better. They wouldn’t. He didn’t even have any idea what he wanted to do once he graduated. 

His life was pointless. 

Dan slowly uncapped the bottle of Benadryl and raised it up to his lips. 

 _Do it. Do it. Do it._  

The liquid left a bitter tasting trail down his throat and he wanted to throw up. He got through half the bottle before he had to stop. 

Then he moved on to the NyQuil and then the Codeine.

His throat burned and his stomach tossed and turned uneasily.

Dan took a final glance at his desk before standing up. Nothing had kicked in yet, he was still fine. Just fine.

He needed to finish everything.

Grabbing the still half full bottle of Benadryl and a sharpened knife **(as backup)** , he slowly made his way downstairs and out the front door, grabbing a bottle of water on his way out. There was no way Dan was going to be able to keep all the foul tasting medicine down without some type of help. 

He laid down on the soft grass in his front yard and sat the knife down on the ground beside him. His mom hasn’t been home in days and his neighbors probably wouldn’t be back for a few hours. If he accidentally passed out then no one would find him till it was too late. 

Dan downed the other half of the medicine then began to sip on the water, staring up at the night sky. 

He wasn’t going to deny himself that small pleasure. If he was going to go he wanted to be looking at something beautiful. 

Dan gazed at the stars admiring them. Maybe he would be one of those soon. Maybe he would be going to hell. 

His stomach felt strangely empty yet full at the same time and his hands began to tingle. 

Was that normal?

Dan closed his eyes, beginning to feel drowsy. 

Maybe his death would be peaceful. The type where you would just fall asleep and never wake up again. 

Eventually he succumbed and slipped off into unconsciousness. 

 

“””””

 

 

He awoke a few hours later with an unbelievable headache. His brain was trying to jump out of his skull. Dan imagined it landing on the ground with a sick plop, and began to giggle uncontrollably.

 

The stars where still twinkling up in the night sky. Dan slowly began to turn over.

 

Had the medicine not worked? He had to have taken enough. Why was he awake?

 

Some movement in the bush near him caught his eye. By the looks of it, whatever was in the bush was huge, terrifyingly so. Dan needed to see it better. He pulled himself into a sitting position then worked himself up to his feet. The ground lurched beneath him and he nearly toppled back over. Dan took a few moments to regain his balance and then started to unsteadily walk towards the bush. 

Reaching it, he slowly moved back a branch revealing a terrifying spider. It had blood dripping from fangs, at least twenty eyes, and covered in hair which seemed to be moving on its own. 

Dan stumbled back and landed on his butt with a sharp cry. The spider emerged from the bushes and revealed its true height, several feet taller than Dan. 

 

“It’s what you deserve Dan,” his mothers voice said from behind him. His head whipped around but there was no one there. 

 

“It’s what you deserve,” another voice said again, although unrecognizable to him. Soon hundreds of voice began to speak, filling the space around him. The gaint spider continued to walk towards him. 

Dan covered his ears with his hands in a pathetic attempt to block out the sounds. 

 

“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” he cried. Dan looked up at the night sky hoping to see the pretty twinkling stars that had previously been there. Instead he was met with a tumbling array of reds and oranges. The sky was on fire. 

_The sky was on fire._

It wouldn’t be too long before the flames dripped down and landed on Dan. It wouldn’t be too long until they burned and destroyed his flesh, leaving a pathway of pain. 

 

“STOP IT! STOP IT PLEASE!”

 

The knife! Dan suddenly remembered it. 

He staggered to his feet and searched the ground which was covered in invisible bugs. A few seconds later his eyes landed on it and he reached to grab it, brushing off some of the bugs. 

Dan gripped its handle, took a deep breath, then lined it up to the middle of his wrist.

_You can do this._

In one quick movement, his original pale white arm had soon turned crimson red and the invisible bugs bathed in it. Searing pain shot up and throughout his body. Dan doubled over, agony hitting him like a kick to the gut. 

Whether he preferred the frightening reality around him or the pain, he was unsure of. 

Hot tears spilled down his face. 

For a moment all Dan could hear was his heartbeat, loud and ringing in his ears. The voices had subsided and the spider was no longer moving towards him, but laying in a heap on the ground. The tingling sensation returned to his fingers and spread throughout like a wildfire. 

Then the ground came flying at his face and everything was black. 

Agony.

 

 

“””””

 

Christoper Langings has been the next door neighbor to the Howells for as long as he could remember. When he had moved in, Dan was nothing but a small eight year old boy who frequently played outside with his father yelling and screaming loud enough to wake up the whole block. Chris had only been twenty at the time, so it didn’t annoy him as much. 

So when the rest of his family had left and he had heard undistinguishable shouting from outside he thought nothing of it.

Sure, the father hadn’t been home in awhile. Maybe he had just gotten back.

Instead of peeping outside of his window, Chris shook his head and turned his tv up.  

 

“””””

 

At around 10pm, he remembered he had to take the trash out for the garbage truck in the morning. It had been awhile since he had heard any noises from outside. Cursing himself for waiting so late and forgetting, he opened up the garage and put the trash out on the curb. 

Chris turned around to head back when he saw it. 

A small form laying on the ground. 

 

“What the hell?”

 

He hurriedly walked over to it. 

The sight made him sick in the stomach. 

Dan Howell laid on the grass, blood pouring out of his right wrist. Every few seconds he would twitch and hit his head on the ground, sort of like he was having a mini seizure. 

 

“FUCK!”

 

Chris got up and ran back into his house, frantically searching for his cellphone. When he found it, he ran back out towards Dan and dropping onto his knees right near the teens head. 

He gently took hold of his head with one hand so Dan would no longer hit it, then dialed 911 with the other hand. 

 

“911 what is your emergency?”

 

”Um yeah my neighbor is like I don’t know seizing or something and I think he tried to kill himself I don’t know what to do...,” he yelled, panicking. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated :)


	6. We are very concerned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The walls of hospitals have heard more prayers than the walls of a church ever will.

“So he hasn’t responded to any of your texts,” Annalise asked. Both her and Phil had been sitting on the side of a road for about thirty minutes. Every now and then a car would get a little to close for comfort and then honk at them. 

 

“No. Nothing.”

 

”Damn what the fuck,” she replied, blinking out into the grey asphalt.

 

”It’s clear he doesn’t like me or even want to be friends with me so it’s pointless.”

 

”Well maybe if I knew who it was I could help you know. Maybe just talk to him or threaten him into telling me if he likes you?”

 

”No way. Annalise? Threaten someone? Impossible. That’s like watching a bunny trying to be scary,” Phil responded. Annalise scoffed then shoved Phil a bit, sending him a little bit out into the busy street. 

Another car honked at them. 

 

“Fuck Annalise,” Phil laughed. 

 

They stood up a few minutes later and began to walk in no particular direction. While they were walking, Phil began to think even harder about the Pastel boy that had recently ‘captured his heart’. Dan’s refusal to respond to any of his texts or even show up to school basically meant that Phil had been rejected. And no one rejects Phil. That was a line that no one had ever crossed before. 

Phil didn’t like the feeling. If Dan didn’t want Phil then fine, Phil wouldn’t speak to him at all. He would keep on ignoring Dan just as he had been doing. 

Whatever. It didn’t really matter to Phil.

 

/////

 

Agony.

The first thing Dan remembered when he woke up was the feeling. Bright white lights assaulted him when he opened his eyes.

He couldn’t quite place where he was.  The walls where stark white and a shrill annoying beeping was coming from his right. Dans head felt stuffy, like a cotton ball had replaced his brain.

 

“Dan…,” a voice from his left called.

 

Dan stiffened. He knew that voice anywhere. He tried to turn his head towards the other person, but gave up once a wave a nausea passed through him. Dan settled for merely following the person with his eyeballs.

 

“Hey hey...it’s alright,” his father said, standing up from the chair he was previously sitting in and walking over to Dan. 

 

“It’s alright.”

 

“What are you doing here,” Dan rasped, throat dry and scratchy. He needed water but he would probably have to wait.

 

“The hospital called. Apparently they couldn’t reach your mother...,” he began with a shakey voice and bloodshot eyes. Dans father took a deep breath before resuming to speak “,And so when I got here I..i.. you where hooked up to all these machines and..and..,” he cut off abruptly. 

 

Guilt settled over Dan, a thick blanket. It was almost as thick as the layer of sadness he felt. 

 

“Dad..,” Dan said, trying to move his hand to rest over his fathers. He was cut short by a sharp tug. The IV. 

 

“You took forever to wake up...”

 

Wait what? 

 

“Huh? H..how long was I sleeping,” Dan asked, confused and panic slowly beginning to wash over him. 

 

“A little over a week. I’ve been sitting here for awhile. You where on a ventilator for a few days...there used to be a lot more machines and tubes coming from you. I didn’t really understand the doctor mumbo-jumbo but you really messed yourself up for awhile.”

 

“Oh.”

 

His dad sighed, and glanced around the room. His eyes where still red and he looked mildly uncomfortable. 

 

“Where’s your mom at kiddo?”

 

Bingo. Tears welled up behind Dan’s eyes and then began spilling down his cheeks in rivers. Loud sobs escaped his mouth. His dad was hugging him in an instant. 

 

“S-she left..a-and...I-i.. sorr-ry and i-i trie-d b-b-b...”

 

”Hey Dan, baby boy, it’s alright please just calm down,” his dad whispered into his ear, rubbing calming circles on Dan’s back. 

 

It took a few minutes but after awhile Dan had calmed down enough to be able to speak. The nausea had also dulled considerably. But should he tell his dad? What if he left just like his mom? He took a deep breath. He might as well just say it and if his dad leaves him too then he would just try to kill himself again. Maybe jumping off a building would work.

 

“I’m gay. I told mommy and she got mad and left a little while ago and I haven’t seen her since.”

 

His dad sighed heavily and brought his hand up to rub at the bridge of his nose. 

 

“Your mom did that?” 

 

Dan nodded in response. 

 

“For fucks sake...There’s so many damn things I need to tell you Dan...so here’s what we are going to do. I’m going to go to your house and pack your things and your gonna come home with me..and then I’ll explain everything to you there alright?”

 

Explain everything? What was there to explain? Or better yet, how much was there to explain?

 

“A-alright.”

 

“What do you want me to pick up for you?”

 

“Umm..j-just my jumpers in the top drawer and my p-pants in the last drawer and then the stuff on my walls..and my backpack and blankets..”

 

His dad deeply inhaled then pressed the nurses call button.

 

“That’s all kiddo?”

 

Dan nodded his head in response.

 

“Alright whenever we finish with the doctor I’ll head out and grab everything for you,” his dad said, holding on to Dan’s hand.

 

A few seconds later a nurse bustled in through the door. She was a short squat woman with beach blonde hair.

 

“Oh! Mr. Howell! You’re awake. One moment while I call the doctor in.”

 

She walked out once more and returned with a man, probably a few years older than his father.

 

“Well hello Dan. Nice nap,” the doctor asked sarcastically as he began a quick exam. He messed with the machines a little bit then stuck a scope into his ears and shined a light in his eyes.

 

“Things seem to be working ok. You did quite a lot to yourself Dan. You nearly severed your artery and destroyed your liver with all the medications. Good thing is the damage to your liver is temporary and it should resolve on its own within the next few months. You also hit your head quite hard when you fell. I had to stitch that up as well. Due to the cut to your right wrist, it is uncertain on whether you will be able to regain proper and normal function of that hand.”

 

Dan stared blankly at the doctor. The  silence continued on for about 10 more seconds until his dad spoke up.

 

“When will I be able to take him home?”

 

“I’m unsure. Since Dan did try to kill himself, we need to place him under a 72 hour watch in the psych ward. There a psychiatrist will determine if he needs to stay longer or if he can in fact go home afterwards. However, any extra time based off of physical need will not be long. Maybe a day or two to make sure everything is working properly and he should be good. Most of your wounds have had time to heal while in your coma Dan.”

 

“So then it’s safe to say that he won’t be home until a week from now?”

 

“Yes Mr. Howell. Now if you will please excuse me, I have some business to take care of. Nurse Smithson will check and re-bandage your wounds and dinner will be brought up shortly as well as Doctor Nefferson, the psychiatrist,” the doctor said before disappearing. Nurse Smithson quickly went about, gently raising up Dan’s right wrist which was thickly wrapped in white medical tape. She unwrapped his wrist, dabbed some sort of cream on it, slapped some gauze on, then re-wrapped it with fresh bandages. Then she began to raise up his hospital gown. Panic surged through Dan and he slapped her arm away with his good hand, nearly ripping out the IV in the process.

 

“Oh! Sorry Dan, I just need to check your chest and stomach…”

 

He eyed her for a few more moments, then slowly sank back down into the stiff hospital bed. The nurse lifted up his gown, keeping his lower half covered with the blanket. She carefully pressed down a few times on his upper chest and rib cage, stopping when Dan grunted in discomfort.

 

“Okay Dan! Everything looks good. I’ll return later with your food and Doctor Nefferson,” Nurse Smithson said before leaving the room.

 

“Well that was...interesting,” his dad laughed from the corner of the room. Dan hadn’t noticed him gradually scooting towards the far corner. 

 

“Yeah.”

 

”Well alright then buddy...I’ll head out to go grab your things. I’ll be back in a few hours,” his father said, walking over to Dan and planting a little kiss on his forehead. “Love you..”

 

”Love you too dad.”

 

And then his dad was gone. Dan felt weird and confused. His dad was here and talking to Dan for the first time in months. 

What was happening?

 

“””””

 

His dinner consisted of a disgusting mystery flavored Jello and some **(chicken?)** broth. Dan ate a little of both but he really couldn’t stomach much more. His dad had yet to return and he was getting bored. Maybe when the nurse came back he would ask her to turn on the tv...

Doctor Nefferson had came into Dan’s hospital room for about a while five minutes, asking him the strangest but incredibly straightforward questions.  One of the funniest questions he had been asked where “Is the glass half empty or half full?” **(To which Dan responded with “it’s just a glass of water”).**

Dan liked Doctor Nefferson. He was nice.

Dan sat there in his hospital bed for a few more minutes until his Dad showed up with a small plastic bag in his hand.

 

“Hey Dan. Sorry it took my so long. I was dropping you bags off at my house and I went to go talk to the psychiatrist...he gave me some prescriptions for you.”

 

”Oh.”

 

”Yeah..he said you have depression and anxiety. So there’s like two medications for you now. Prozac and Zoloft. You need to start taking them once you get out of the hospital.”

 

”Okay dad.”

 

His father responded with a faint smile, then pulled up a chair and sat next to Dan. 

 

“And the three day countdown starts...now!”

 

/////

 

The three days passed relatively uneventfully. Dan kept to himself never speaking to the other patients there. All he had to do was eat a few bites of the meals and smile whenever a nurse or doctor walked into the room. 

Then the 72 hour mark hit and there his dad was waiting for him. He was rolled out of the hospital with a wheelchair and his right wrist still snugly wrapped in bandages. He wouldn’t be able to stop wearing the stupid bandage till next month **(which sucked because it itched like crazy)**.

His dad drove him to whatever house he was talking about. Dan was surprised that he knew the area he was in and even more surprised that it was closer to his school than his moms house had been. What definitely irked him however was the fact that his dad had been 10 minutes away from him the entire time. 

His father lead him through the house and stopped in front of the door which his father had called “his very amazing room” on the way to it. 

He reached for the door handle with his good hand and turned the handle. 

Then he gasped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait!! Life’s been busy. 
> 
> The more comments the more motivation I will have to write btw...
> 
> AND OH YEAH WE AT 10.5K WORDS BABY!!!!
> 
> Can u tell I suck at medical things 0.o which is unfortunate because I begin my medical assistant internship in a few months..
> 
> I also suck at writing..pls don’t hate me.


	7. Beneath my sleeves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're battle scars and the war inside me is still ongoing.

Just looking at what his father had done Dan wanted to cry. His room looked exactly like it had at home but better. Instead of just the walls being decorated by paintings, it was _painted_. Cherry blossoms and blue bonnets and other various flowers covered the walls. His father had either painted it himself or called someone in. His bed had the same grey comforter, his dresser was the same, fuck even the desk was exactly the same, pens thrown across the desk just how he had left it.

 

“Dad..wha? H-how? Everything is exactly the same and t-the walls..”

 

His father chuckled from behind him.

 

“Yeah I just called in some movers and they just picked everything up and brought everything here. Took us less than an hour. You don’t have much stuff... And I called in a friend to help me paint the walls.”

 

“I-i,” Dan struggled for words. He wanted to cry but he also wanted to laugh and thank his father a billion times. He wanted to hug him but he was too afraid of the physical touch.

 

“It’s alright Dan. The bathroom is right down the hall, go wash that hospital off of you then come find me in the kitchen when you’re ready. We need to talk.”

 

Dan nodded his head then went to go find the bathroom. The bathroom was just a plain white tile, white wall place but there were a bunch of soaps and shampoos lined up on the counter. His hair dyes and blow dryer where also sitting on the counter. Seeing that made Dan want to cry all over again and this time he didn’t hold it back. He let the tears run down his cheeks and drip to the floor.

 

He quickly showered using the Rose scented shampoo and body wash and scalding hot water then stepped out. Dan was in a rush and slightly nervous about what his father would tell him.

 

When he did step out of the bathroom with slightly too-big sweats **(he must have lost a few pounds in the hospital)** and a hoodie, he found his father sitting at the kitchen table. Dan’s father smiled at him before motioning to the chair across from him.

 

Dan stiffly sat down and stared expectantly at his father.

 

“Alright kiddo. I don’t know where to start really,” his dad began before Dan cut him off. 

 

“The beginning please..dad please?”

 

”Of course of course...so whenever I went away on my business trip I was only gonna for a week. I got back some time when you were in school and your mother..y-your mother was with another man. Then she started yelling at me like I was the one cheating. She told me to get out and don’t come back and I don’t know.. I guess I just assumed you would be on her side with whatever messed up story she told you.”

 

”N-no.”

 

”And I still can’t believe she got upset at you being gay! I mean like we expected it for fucks sake! Whenever you were younger you were more interested in flowers than going fishing with me..your mom... your mom changed and I’m not sure why.”

 

”She makes me sad now..”

 

His dad looked at him with obvious hurt **(not caused by Dan of course)** in his eyes. Dan assumed he had somewhat of the same expression in his eyes. Why has his mommy changed so much?

 

”Alright kiddo.. dinner and a movie? Or..”

 

”I-I just want to sleep now. Maybe later?”

 

”Yeah,” his dad smiled. “Later. Goodnight Dan.”

 

”Goodnight,” Dan replied before getting up and walking back to his amazing new yet old room. 

 

/////

 

Dan stood in front of the gates of hell. School. His father had allowed him to spend the rest of the week at home but then eventually it broke the news to him that he couldn’t miss anymore. Dan had started crying at that and his dad simply stared at him completely flabbergasted. He had already been fired from his icecream shop job for not showing up at all, why did it matter if he flunked out of school? He was practically flunking life at the moment. 

So now there he was, in his oversized long sleeved baby blue jumper, black skinny jeans, faded blue-pink hair, and the thick wad of clean gauze taped to his wrist.  

The first few classes passed by with no problem. Besides a few sideway glances from a few who actually noticed he had been gone for nearly a month, nothing happened. Part of Dan wondered if the teachers had even noticed he was gone. 

In art class was where it all went down hill. Phil was here sitting next to him sending concerned/annoyed looks his way. 

Five minutes before the bell rang Phil finally spoke to him. 

 

“Where did you go?”

 

”No where special.”

 

”You where gone for like a month fairy...”

 

”Yep well...I’m back so...”

 

”Fucking whatever,” Phil responded before leaving the room. 

 

Dan sighed then also left the room already dreading his last class of the day. Phil seemed upset at him but he was still somehow worried on an almost undetectable level. Would he pry? 

By the time the class rolled around his stomach felt uneasy. He clutched his tummy with his good hand and let the other one rest on top of the desk, not noticing how it had rolled up some, exposing the gauze. 

Phil came in a few minutes after the bell rang with his black hair disheveled. They sat side by side for a few awkward moments and Dan wondered why. Usually he was talking to the others or belittling Dan in some obscure way.

Finally the awkwardness fed Dan up and he sent a sly look in Phil’s direction to see what he was doing.   

His stomach plummeted to the floor. 

Phil’s eyes were locked directly into his bad wrist. 

He was definitely going to be sick. Bile was rising up and as soon as Phil opened his mouth to speak Dan bolted out of the classroom, ignoring Phil calling his name.

 

”””””

 

** Phil: he was here 2day. **

**Annalise: 0.o **

** Phil: Yeah. And his wrist was all wrapped up like they have for people that slit them. **

** Annalise: So basically u fell in luv wit a looney suicidey oompa-loompa babe? **

Phil laughed. What did that even mean?

** Phil: ...what **

** Annalise: Ur bf is cray cray  **

** Phil: wtf no but like idk should I talk to him? b4 I was just gonna ignore him since he was ignoring my texts and calls and stuff but like what if he couldn’t answer them? he was gonna for like ever so...? **

** Annalise: affirmative philly boy, talk to the damsel in distress rESCUE HIM IN HIS TIME OF NEED be his SuPeRHero Philly! **

Phil shook his head and tossed his phone off to the side. Annalise was crazy but she had a point. What if this whole time the reason Dan hadn’t been speaking to him was because he was planning his suicide? Sure the homophobic remark his first day probably also had something to do with Dan avoiding him but dropping him off at home after that party was a good way to say ‘I’m sorry’ right? Right? Which thinking about the party brought up the issue of Dan’s unbuttoned pants and how scared he looked. Had something happened? Had someone attacked him? 

Phil’s hands curled into fists and an uneasy feeling took over him. 

Fucking hell, Phil needed to get out of the house and do something before he got to angry. 

He picked his cell phone back up and stormed out of his house. Phil had a hard time calming down once he got upset and the only things that worked where getting high as a kite or fucking the ever loving shit out of someone and at the moment he was out of drug money. 

 

/////

 

“Dan...Dan..,” Phil whispered. 

 

The younger slowly lifted his head up and looked at him. 

 

“Phil?”

 

”I-I’m sorry..”

 

Dan arched an eyebrow. 

 

“For what?”

 

”Being an asshole I guess. I don’t know I just want you to know I’m really sorry.”

 

”It’s alright,” Dan responded. 

 

Phil seemed to hesitate before speaking again. 

 

“Do you..do you maybe want to try being friends?”

 

Whoa, plot twist. Even Phil hadn’t actually expected the words to leave his mouth. He was just as shocked as Dan was. 

 

“Uh s-sure.”

 

Phil smiled a little at him then went back to staring into nothingness. He and Dan were going to try to be friends? They were going to try to be friends...

Just as the bell rang Phil stood up and waited for Dan to as well, not missing the way he avoided putting pressure and his injured wrist. 

 

“I’ll t-text you later Dan,” Phil smiled before walking out. 

 

“””””

 

** Phil: Hey **

** Dan: Hi **

** Phil: wyd? **

** Dan: nothing just drawing  **

** Phil: u really like drawing huh  **

** Dan: yeah it’s cool **

** Phil: what u draw **

Dan bit his lip and looked down at his drawing of cherry blossoms. 

** Dan: idk u may think it’s silly like last time so idk  **

** Phil: No I promise I won’t, and I’m really sorry about that.. **

** Dan: cherry blossoms **

** Phil: oh wow that’s cool. I wish I could draw like u lol, all ur drawings have fucking crazy detail from what I saw **

** Dan: Thank you :) **

** Phil: no prob!  **

Dan blushed and stared at his phone screen. Phil didn’t seem to be as bad as he originally thought he was.  

** Dan: wbu? Wyd? **

** Phil: nothing just listening to music **

** Dan: what type **

** Phil: ...it’s what you would call devil music or screams or whatever I guess o.o **

** Dan: lol I listen to some metal too. But mostly the emo bands u know? Like mcr and p!atd and stuff. **

** Phil: ayeeee **

** Dan: lol **

Phil’s heart skipped a beat. It was either now or never.

** Phil: so u kno how I was talking about being friends and stuff right? Well maybe we could hang out or something? **

** Dan: o *~* **

** Phil: it could b wherever u want and I swear nothing weird or funny **

** Dan: no it’s fine lol idk the movies? But idk what movies r out rn **

** Phil: I hate crowded movies and I’m assuming u do too so how bout A quiet place? It’s like some suspense movie about a monster and a town and the town is trying to stay alive idk lol. But it’s been out for a little while so it won’t be crowded :) **

** Dan: sounds good..when? **

** Phil: when r u free **

** Dan: 24/7 I have nothing to do with my life.  **

** Phil: lol same. How bout Saturday at like 5 or 6 or whatever movie showing is around that time? **

** Dan: sure sounds great **

** Phil: awesome :) well talk to u tomorrow I have to go now :(( bye **

** Dan: nighty  **

Both Phil and Dan set their phones aside with a weird feeling smile on their lips.

Three more days until the movie hang out **(cough cough: date)**.

 

/////

 

The next day, Dan and Phil made awkward small talk. Dan throughly hoped that it would not be as awkward on Saturday. 

Dan had begun the short walk to his car, planning on going job hunting. He didn’t particularly want to get another job but he needed more money for hair dye and a new jumper. 

He had just about made it to his car when he looked up. 

_Him._

Standing in the shadows of the building.

He was staring at Dan, looking him directly in the eye and smirking. His hand came up across his throat, gesturing as if he was slitting his throat. Keeping eye contact for another second, he sauntered off. Fine tremors started traveling throughout Dans body as he stood frozen in place for a few more minutes. 

A group of girls loud laughter snapped him out of his daze. Dan let out the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding, got into his car, and drove away.

_He was fine. Nothing was going to happen that he hadn’t already been though before._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm next update will probably be in two or so weeks? Tell me what y’all think!
> 
> Also friendly reminder that I suck at writing and I am sorry at this shitty fucking fic 
> 
> Have a good dayyyyyy
> 
> ~Алекс (cuz I’m fucking cool)


	8. Faded doesn’t always mean jaded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.

Phil’s leg bounced with nervous jitters. Today was the day. Today was _the_ day. Dan and him had made polite small talk in class trying to get rid of the awkward feeling and they had nearly succeeded. Phil hoped that this movie would go well. Being the type of guy he was, he had arrived 30 minutes early, bought both of their tickets, and then hid so that way his punk persona wasn’t betrayed. He would just tell Dan that he had bought them online. 

He checked the time in his phone, only five more mintues until he would see the pastel boy. Phil didn’t step out of his hiding spot until he saw Dan drive up in a Honda. The smaller boy got out the car, waved to whoever was driving, and began walking towards the theatre entrance. Dan was wearing a largely oversized blue jumper with white flowers on the sleeves and some white skinny jeans, and he looked absolutely adorable. 

 _Wait what? Adorable? Since when do I use that word,_ Phil thought to himself. 

Dan spotted Phil and flashed him a small smile before making his way towards him. 

 

“Hey Dan, I already bought the tickets I hope you don’t mind,” Phil said, returning the smile. 

 

“Oh uhh...I g-guess I’ll buy the food then,” Dan replied. 

 

“No it’s fine I can buy that too.”

 

“Ummm alright then.”

 

Phil turned towards the building and slowly started to walk towards it, to make sure Dan was following. Sure enough, he was and Phil sped up his pace.

He ordered two coke icees and a large popcorn. 

 

“You know I could’ve bought the food right,” Dan said from behind him. Phil looked over to were he was standing which happened to be right behind him, barely any space between Dan and his shoulder. Dan was on his tippy toes attempting to see what Phil was doing without actually standing next to him. 

 

“Yeah but it’s fine, I’m the one that asked you to come so I might as well pay.”

 

”O-okay.”

 

He passed a drink to Dan and headed off to find the movie. They sat right next to each other **(obviously)** and Phil relaxed back into the seat, letting Dan’s honey scent wash over him.  It took a few minutes, but after awhile it seemed Dan had relaxed too.  

The movie ended and Phil glanced down to Dan’s drink, surprised when he hadn’t even taken a sip. He also hadn’t gotten any popcorn during the movie, Phil had eaten majority of it by himself. 

 

“Not hungry? You haven’t eaten anything,” Phil said to Dan. 

 

Dan startled as if he hadn’t been expecting Phil to talk to him before blushing. 

 

“Oh! Um s-sorry I kinda forgot it was there. I’ll take it home and d-drink it don’t worry,” Dan quietly responded. 

 

“Oh no if you don’t want it it’s fine.”

 

”No I want it.”

 

Phil smiled at Dan and stood up from his seat picking up his own drink and the popcorn. He waited for Dan to follow his steps and then began to walk down the isles towards the trash cans and exit. Phil didn’t speak to Dan again until he felt the relatively cool air hit his face.  The sun had set and the world was colored with vibrant oranges and reds. 

 

“So did you like the movie?”

 

”Yeah I liked it. Not quiet scary and not boring. I-i enjoyed it a lot,” Dan responded. 

 

“Oh okay. Well...I guess it’s time to go huh,” Phil asked nervously. He shuffled on his feet before speaking up. “I had fun, and we could do this again maybe another day if you want to?”

 

”S-sure.”

 

”Alright cool...well I guess I’m gonna go home now,” Phil said and giving Dan a side smile. Dan nodded his head and Phil turned around to leave. He made it to his car not even five minutes later. He had parked pretty far back and was positive Dan couldn’t see him but Phil could clearly see Dan. Phil sat down in his car and got comfortable, he wasn’t going to leave until Dan was safely picked up. There were millions of creeps in the world and Dan was a small, cute, foreign teenager. Anything could happen.

And so Phil watched over Dan. 

 

 

“””””

 

Dan’s cheeks were still burning. Phil and him hadn’t talked that much **(of course, they went to see a movie)** but he didn’t feel weird. The uncomfortable feeling that always followed Dan and made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up was definitely there, but the awkward was not in the equation.

Dan sat down on the edge of a fountain in the front of the theatre. Crisp air blew through his faded hair as he sent a text to his dad letting him know that he was ready to be picked up. Dan hadn’t felt like driving. 

He looked down at the sleeve covering up the wrist wrapping. Just another few days and he would be allowed to take it off. 

Wait was Phil considered his friend now? Gabby had been a friend but the girl had avoided him in the hallways at school and still continued ignoring his texts. He talked to Phil in person, texted him some, and had just gone somewhere with him. Yes, Phil was totally his friend now, even if he was an asshole in the beginning. He had apologized as well and had seemed sincere. Dan smiled and took a sip of the drink Phil had bought him, he had a new friend.

 

/////

 

By the time Phil got home, Alice was already waiting for him. 

 

“How was your date Phil?”

 

”It wasn’t a date Alice...I was just going somewhere with a friend. A male friend.”

 

”Well do you just so happen to like this male friend?”

 

Phil glared at her “,That’s none of your business.”

 

”It is if I’m your mom.”

 

”But you’re not soooooo.”

 

Alice sighed and turned away from Phil, going back to whatever she had been doing before. Phil slightly shook his head and headed up the stairs. 

Just because Alice was his foster mother did not mean he had to call her mom or recognize her as his REAL mom. It didn’t mean that. 

Phil plopped down on his bed and rummaged through his drawer. His hand soon landed on the desired object and he pulled it out. It was a small tin container decorated with monkeys, elephants, and other circus animals. A ringmaster was painted standing in the middle of the lid, beckoning the audience in. 

Phil popped open the container and peered into it. Tabs of LSD, some Xanax, and about a gram of weed sat in it. He took out a tab and set it in his mouth, leaning all the way back on his bed, waiting for it to hit. 

 

/////

 

Dan and his father had driven home in silence. Once they had pulled up to the serene little home however, his father sighed heavily and put the car in park. 

 

“D-dad?”

 

”Hm?”

 

”Something wrong?”

 

”No..no. Just a bit worried about you, you know? Thinking that you may not have been sitting next to me right now...I don’t know Dan. I love you.”

 

”L-love you too.”

 

His dad gave him a tired smile before getting out the car. Dan followed. 

 

“Also you have a doctors appointment tomorrow so be up and ready for that. They had to make sure you’re good.”

 

”Okay,” Dan quietly replied before heading to his room. He was tired but kind of happy and happy was something that he didn’t experience often. Dan brushe his teeth, peeled off his skinny jeans and jumper, then hopped into bed. He fell asleep slowly, his eyes glued to the flowers painted on his wall. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly this chapter was sorta a filler and a way for Dan and Phil to actually start INTERACTING so we can finally get to Phan :)))  
> Also Dan looks so much thinner and it’s so weird but he’s still healthy so no need to w o r r a y
> 
> IM SORRY ITS SO SHORT BUT MAKE SURE YOU COMMENT WHAT YOU THINK AND WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE BECAUSE IVE SORTA HIT A WRITERS BLOCK AND I NEED SOME INSPO


	9. Emetic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A wasted life is worse than death.

“Hey mom,” Phil said quietly. 

 

It had been awhile since he had gone to see his mother. It had probably been even longer since he even thought about her. But the past was in the past and he couldn’t change what had happened... or what he hadn’t made happen. 

Phil swallowed the lump in his throat and continued. 

 

“I know you’re probably tired of hearing this but I’m sorry. I’m really sorry I didn’t do anything until it was too late and I’m just really sorry you are were you are where you are right now... and I love you,” he hoarsely whispered. 

 

He didn’t want to cry but just staring at the tombstone automatically brought stinging tears to his eyes. Phil ran his fingers throughout the soft grass covering the dirt below before getting up. The less time he spent the better; less time thinking about the past and what could have been. What could have been if he had just simply called 911. 

_Phil! Phil baby go back up to your room._

_But mom..._

_No honey, go back up, hide in your closet._

Phil used his semi-dirty sleeve to wipe at the tears falling down his cheeks. He would probably have to wash it when he got home, Phil Lester did not walk around in dirty clothes. He brushed the dirt off of his pants and started walking back to his car.

 

“””””

 

”Dan Howell?”

 

Dan looked up at the nurse who called his name. 

 

“Come on Dan, time for you appointment,” his dad said, patting his knee and standing up. Dan nervously followed behind. The nurse led them throughout the small clinic, turning corner after corner until they reached a small room with a scale, blood pressure cuff, and height measurements on the wall. 

 

“How are you,” the nurse asked conversationally while fastening the cuff around his arm. 

 

“G-good.”

 

Her eyebrow quirked up at his blood pressure before she took ya off and mentioning him towards the wall. Dan took off his shoes and stood straight up against it. 

 

“You’re five foot ten Dan. Now I just need your weight at then you will be ready to see the doctor,” she exclaimed cheerfully. 

 

Dan stepped up onto the scale, fidgeting with the sleeves of his aqua green hoodie. He avoided looking at the number that he was sure had popped up on the scale. He tried to ignore the surprised gasp from the nurse. 

 

“Um alright Dan that will be all, just please wait in that room over there and the doctor will be in shortly,” she said pointing at a room adjacent to the one he was in right now. He hopped up onto the the patient chair and once again began to fidget with his hoodie sleeve, plucking off pieces of lint. The ticking of the clock on the wall increased his anxiety and Dan tried to will back the tears stinging his eyes. A short five minutes later a doctor came in. He was relatively tall, had dark brown hair, and a kind face (although that didn’t stop Dan from wanting to bolt out of the room). 

 

“Hey Dan,” he started “,how do you feel?”

 

”Fine,” Dan near whispered. 

 

The doctor turned towards his dad, who had decided to sit in the very corner of the room, and intoduced himself as Doctor Valentino. 

 

“So I understand he tried to...end his life a little while ago and was recently diagnosed with Depression? May I ask if he’s going to therapy and receiving any medication?”

 

”Um yeah he is, he hasn’t really started his therapy yet but his appointment is coming up soon and they did give us these pills for him,” his dad explained. 

 

“Well that’s good...I understand the the nurse discovered a little problem earlier when she took your weight Dan?”

 

”P-problem? What problem,” his dad asked startled and somewhat worried.

 

”Your son is five foot ten which is a normal height but his weight was uncharacteristically low...barely cutting one hundred and ten pounds...,” the doctor explained. He turned back towards Dan and attempted to make eye contact with him (although failing miserably because Dan would simply not look at him). “,Dan I need to know, have you been eating?”

 

Dan glanced up at his dad in the corner through his faded colored fringe which had fallen into his face. 

 

“Sometimes I guess I just forget..,” he whispered. 

 

“You forget? Well that’s quite alright Dan but you need to eat...Mr. Howell I recommend taking your son to see the psychiatrist. I suspect anorexia...”

 

”Of course of course I’ll..I’ll give him a call,” Dan’s dad said, his brows furrowing in worry. 

 

“””””

 

The ride back home was tense in a sorrow-filled kind of way. His dad still hadn’t stopped frowning and Dan felt the strong urge to simply jump out the car. 

 

“One hundred and ten pounds,” his dad said with disbelief. “Only one hundred and ten pounds...”

 

Dan swallowed hard. This was going to be a long weekend.

 

/////

 

Phil pulled up to the school. His had continued to have an overall depressing weekend after visiting his mothers grave, with his over abundance of siblings and annoying foster mom. Eventually he ended up shoving a pair of weird leather-like pants and a black button up shirt into his backpack and snuck out his bedroom window. 

He probably could have just walked out the front door, but that was too cliche. Too mainstream. 

Phil Lester was not a mainstream kind of guy. He spent the Sunday high as a kite with Annalise and made it to school with a banging headache but on time. Phil really wanted to just see Dan. 

Because that pastel motherfucker was cute as shit. PLUS he was English, just like Phil. 

He stepped out the car in a pair of skinny black jeans with chains attached to the belt loops, Emmure t-shirt, and Emmure windbreaker. There was still a good three hours before art class so he went to go find Wolfgang and Thomas while praying to the heavens that the fucking douchebag Flame wouldn’t be there.

Phil proved to be lucky when he found his two friends sitting on the cement stairs by the entrance to the school, with no fire hydrant red hair in sight. He let out the breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. 

 

“””””

 

Dan’s stomach churned uneasily, there was no way he would be able to go to school yet here he was getting out of his dad’s car. His father had practically forced food down his throat (which Dan was almost positive that that’s not what you’re supposed to do when someone hasn’t eaten in awhile) and actually went to the store to buy their own scale. 

_‘From this day forward I will do my absolute best to make sure my only son is healthy and happy because I will not, WILL NOT, lose him.’_

Every movement made Dan feel like he was going to bust at the seams. He felt like he was taking up all the space in his oversized light grey hoodie and light blue jeans. 

Dan was certain that he had never eaten that much food before in his life. 

God, he wanted to curl up in a ball and wither away.

Dan turned around and quickly said goodbye to his father before making a bee-line towards the bathroom.  He went into an empty stall, locked the door, then leaned over the toilet. This was his first time doing something like this and he wasn’t a very adventurous person. Making himself throw up was an adrenaline-rush inducing activity. Dan’s hand was shaking as he stuck it down his throat and it didn’t take much to trigger his gag reflex. 

His entire three-course breakfast came up into the toilet. 

A few minutes later he shakily stood up, his eyes and nose stinging from the sour smell. He flushed the toilet and went to the sink, splashing water on his face and rinsing out his mouth. Dan glanced up at his distraught form in the mirror. His hoodie had slipped off of one shoulder, his pastel hair was disheveled (he hadn’t combed it in awhile), and he had dark bags under his eyes. 

Although Dan still felt sick he felt a lot better than before. But throwing up was not a good idea. It was a one time thing for him right? Totally, he wouldn’t ever do it again. 

 

“””””

 

Phil had to do a double take when Dan walked into the art room. He looked more tired than usual and the typical honey scent was strangely muted.

 

”You okay Dan,” Phil whispered to him. 

 

Dan took a few seconds to answer.

 

“Yeah I guess.”

 

”You sure?”

 

”Yeah thanks for asking,” Dan responded actually looking up at Phil and _smiling_. Phil smiled back at him. 

 

“Well I had fun at the movies...do you want to hang out again soon?”

 

”Yeah sure sounds c-cool.”

 

”Where do you want to go?”

 

Dan started to bite on his lip a bit, as if deep in thought. 

 

“The m-mall? I need to b-buy some stuff if you don’t mind?”

 

”Oh yeah sounds cool. I’ve been meaning to go get some more clothes as well,” Phil answered. “So I’ll text you later on about time and day?”

 

”Y-yeah sounds cool Phil,” Dan quietly said before pulling out his art book and pencils. 

 

/////

 

_But throwing up was not a good idea. It was a one time thing for him right?_

Dan thought back to earlier. His dad had forced him to eat another meal, one that was just simply too big for his weak stomach. It made Dan feel even guiltier, his dad loved him and was trying to help. This just wasn’t the way. 

He glanced down the hall into the living room at his dad. He was distracted by the tv and probably wouldn’t notice. Dan softly closed the bathroom door and locked it before hurrying over to the toilet. 

_Just a one time thing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! Writers block :((  
> Also i suggest googling this chapter name to see what it means ;) AND SORRY FOR TOTURING POOR BABY DAN AND CAN U C THAT PHILLY IS NOT AS MUCH AS AN ASSHOLE AS I LEAD YALL TO BELIEVE??  
> Anyways sorry for the shitty (as usual) chapter and apologies for any grammar mistakes.  
> Anyone still reading this story? O.o


	10. There’s a time and a place for that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the world keeps turning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus Christ I’m rlly fucking sorry it’s been forever since I updated..I haven’t given up on this story so don’t worry. It’s just I’ve been hella busy lately and a close friend of mine was murdered..soo
> 
> I’ve been a little sad.  
> Kinda relapsing back inTo mY UndIagNoseD dEpReSSiOn aNd EaTinG disOrdEr
> 
> But hopefully the next update will come sooner than this one... again rlly sorry
> 
> Enjoy this shitty but still a little bit cute and not actually all that bad (???) chapter ;)  
> Comment when ur done with grammar corrections and story suggestions pls and thank u

Dan was busy setting out boxes of hair dye on the bathroom counter when his phone buzzed. 

** Phil: Hey wyd **

** Dan: About to dye my hair **

** Phil: O nice what color? **

** Dan: idk I was thinking a light green and super light blue **

** Phil: that sounds cute tbh **

** Dan: thxs... **

** Phil: yeah np ;) **

Dan furrowed his brows. Was Phil gay?

** Dan: Can I ask a question? **

** Phil: yeah shoot **

** Dan: I don’t want u to get mad tho **

** Phil: I won’t  **

** Dan: nvm **

** Phil: no ask me **

** Dan: I don’t want to b rude **

** Phil: Dan just ask **

** Dan: R u gay? **

When Phil didn’t respond right away like he typically did, Dan began to panic. Had he insulted Phil? Was he mad? Would he stop talking to him? Would Phil go back to being mean to Dan? After about five minutes of nail biting anxiety his phone finally buzzed. 

** Phil: Lol im Bi tbh but I definitely like guys more.  **

** Dan: oh •~• **

** Phil: This one girl in our life lessons class told me u had a bf? R u gay? **

Dan rolled his eyes at the screen and took a deep breath. 

** Dan: I don’t have a bf, we broke up awhile ago but he won’t stop bothering me about getting back together.  **

** Phil: o. Damn that sucks. Well if u need me to get him to leave u alone hmu, I got u fairy lol.  **

** Dan: haha thxs. It’s fine tho. **

It was getting hard to breathe. Dan went back to looking at the boxes, trying to decide what color. Sea foam green and light blue..how would he do a sea foam green color? Mix the blue and green together? Dan shrugged and got to work.  He mixed a drop of the light blue dye he had and then the green with the “silver” hair dye. He slathered it onto his hair when he was done and then picked up the blue dye again and put it on his fingers, scrunching it through his hair.  Hopefully it would look good.

He set his phone timer to thirty minutes and walked out the bathroom putting on a haircap as he went.  

His dad was sitting in the living room watching a football game. 

 

“Hey d-dad,” he said quietly. 

 

“Yeah?”

 

”My friend..he um..he w-wants to hang o-out again soon..um..to the mall. I-is that okay?”

 

”Of course it’s ok as long as you’re being safe. Your therapy starts on Saturday though at 10am so..make sure you schedule accordingly. But I have to ask Dan...this guy..you like him,” his dad asked raising his eyebrows and looking Dan straight in the eye. 

 

“W-what?! No..n-no but okay..I’ll t-tell him. Thanks dad,” Dan replied, fidgeting nervously. 

 

“Mhm..alright..”

 

Dan turned around and walked into his room. There was still twenty five minutes left until he needed to wash the dye out..enough time to begin working on another drawing. 

 

“””””

 

Dan squinted in the mirror, studying his hair. The sea foam green was most prominent with a little bit of blue popping here and there. There was also a bit of grey showing. It looked pretty cool and Dan was happy with it. He checked his phone and saw Phil still hadn’t texted back so he went back to drawing.

 

/////

 

Phil really did mean to respond to Dan but sleep pulled him under, then a blunt, then sleep again...

He really needed to get his shit together. Dan had texted him hours ago, would he think Phil was weird if he responded now? Fuck it, he was going to respond. 

** Phil: Hey! Sorry! Fell asleep xD. So wanna hang out Saturday right? What time? **

Dan took a few minutes before responding. 

** Dan: yeah Saturday is cool..I actually have a doctors appointment in the morning so how bout we meet up at like 12? **

** Phil: Yeah sounds good. Brooke-n-dale mall right? **

** Dan: yeah I think that one is the closest to us. So yeah sat at 12 :) **

** Phil: I’m excitedddd lolz **

Lolz? What the fuck Phil? Phil shook his head and shifted uncomfortably, Dan wouldn’t think he was that weird right? The anxiety bubbling in his chest deflated once Dan responded. 

** Dan: hahah same. Five days.  **

** Phil: That’s like f o r e v e r in my world tho lol **

** Dan: so impatienttttt **

** Phil: Call it what u want to, it’s not my fault time is doubled in my world.  **

** Dan: omg lol..well tyl I’ll see you tomorrow?  **

** Phil: Yeah most def. Adiós. **

Phil huffed, jumped into his bed, and sprawled out. It was going to be a long week. Time to spend the rest of it at Annalise so she could hype him up and boost his ego even more. Phil snorted before closing his eyes once more, he would never be caught up on sleep. 

 

/////

 

The week actually passed surprisingly fast. Dan had completely new (and super cute) hair colors and was looking more and more run-down everyday but he constantly said he was “fine”. Phil wasn’t stupid though, he knew something was up. Now just wasn’t the time to grill Dan about it. 

His cheeks seemed more hollow and he looked EVEN skinnier if that was possible. All he wore was skinny jeans and oversized hoodies which seemed to swallow him whole. 

Phil wondered how Dan would look wearing one of his hoodies. Probably weird as shit seeing as all his clothes where black and Dan was all about the pastel shit. 

Phil stood in front of the mirror contemplating what to wear. His leather jacket was a necessity but should he wear his black jeans with or without the holes? Impossible decision. 

“Fuck it,” he muttered under his breath. He yanked on the jeans with the holes at the knee, a black tank top with a weird skull design all over the front, his jacket, and black vans. He would probably change his lip jewelry soon and maybe get a colorful high-bridge nose piece of jewelry. His options where endless. 

 

“””””

 

Dan sank even lower in the passenger seat. Another diagnosis. Was that even possible? To be diagnosed with three mental illnesses within a month? Maybe he was a special case. 

Apparently he had “Anorexia”. Zyprexa and a weird smoothie he had to drink everyday that supposedly had like two thousand calories in it. Unbelievable. He already wasn’t taking his Depression and Anxiety medications, he probably wasn’t going to take the Zyprexa and smoothie either. His dad was sitting shock still and had yet to look at Dan as he drove to the mall. 

His throat felt dry, like someon had shoved cotton down it and made him walk in the desert for a few days. 

 

“D-dad...”

 

He continued to drive, looking straight forwards. 

 

“D-daddy,” Dan tried once more, voice breaking and cracking nearly every syllable. He was definitely NOT going to cry. 

 

“Yeah?”

 

”I’m s-sorry...”

 

His dad’s head shot to Dan, eyes wide. He brought up one hand to ruffle the colored hair. 

 

“Don’t be Dan, it’s not your fault.”

 

”Okay,” Dan replied, feeling a bit less like human trash. They had just pulled up to the mall as well and he could see Phil waiting by the glass entrance. “Thanks for dropping me off at the mall. I’ll text you when I’m ready?”

 

”Yeah kid. Be safe!”

 

He got out the car and swiftly walked over to Phil, hoping that the exhaustion from the therapy session didn’t show on his face. 

 

“H-hey.”

 

“Heyyy,” Phil replied, smiling at Dan. “What store you want to go to first?”

 

”Um I’m a-actually kind of thirsty s-so can we get s-some wa-water first?”

 

”Oh yeah of course,” Phil said, opening the door and holding it open for Dan. 

 

“T-thanks,” Dan blushed. 

 

“””””

 

It was nearing three by the time they had finished. Dan has bought a few boxes of hair dye on sale and Phil had bought him a cute pale pink hoodie that was covered with floral print despite his refusal. Phil bought himself white lip rings and a matching piece for his nose. Dan had tried to buy him something as well but Phil gave him a death glare and Dan quickly quieted down. 

He seemed to get nervous afterwards so Phil shot him a smile and he seemed to brighten up again. 

Dan’s stutter seemed to clear up a bit the more they talked about music and such. Phil smiled at that. He had a really soft yet contagious laugh and he blushed like crazy. Phil really didn’t want the day to end but Dan needed to get home. Phil would just text him. The entire time Phil just wanted to lean over and hug the smaller boy or hold his hand. Phil liked Dan. 

 _Phil really liked Dan._  

But did Dan like Phil back?

Well he sure as hell hoped so. 

Annalise and him had a lot to talk about. 


	11. The realization that things aren’t quite right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tick tock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for the long abscence...been really busy and I have two other stories I’m working on. I have an Internship and I’m in my seenior year and my mEnTAl heAlth everything is such a fucking mess. So expect not too frequent updates, but I’m hoping to get a halter every two months. Again sorry for the wait and for the short chapter! Enjoy and leave a comment ;)

Dan was in the process of touching up the paintings on his wall when his phone buzzed. Phil?  

**Blocked: hey baby <3**  

Dan shuddered at the message. Hadn’t he deleted his number yet? 

**Dan: What**

**Blocked: Is that how you respond to your boyfriend?**

**Dan: we aren’t dating we broke up**

**Blocked: That’s not what you were saying at that party a while ago**

**Dan: I didn’t want that**

**Blocked: Sure... Anyways why are you avoiding me? I’ve been nice these past few months giving you your space but you still have yet to apologize. :/**

**Dan: apologize for what?!**

**Blocked: Meet me tomorrow and I can tell you and you can make it up ;) kill two birds with one stone.**

**Dan: I’m not coming anywhere near you if I don’t have to!**

**Blocked: You’re getting bold you little bitch**

**Dan: We. Broke. Up. We. Aren’t. Together. Never. Again. I wish I hadn’t ever met u.**

**Blocked: I know where you live.**

**Dan: I don’t live there anymore so stop threatening me.**

Dan took a deep breath, struggling not to panic. Tears where already spilling over. 

**Dan: besides...I have another boyfriend...so leave me alone!**

**Blocked: New boyfriend my ass. Don’t lie to me slut.**

**Dan: I’m not**

**Blocked: Alright then baby. You wanna play that game? I’ll play it. See you later <3 ;)**

**Dan: I’m not playing any game and don’t come any where near me.**

Dan was definitely going to have a panic attack. He wasn’t going to come anywhere near him right? It had been weeks. Weeks! Dan couldn’t tell his dad... he would get mad. Dan couldn’t tell anyone. Everything that had happened was his fault and he just couldn’t handle more people leaving him. His mother still had yet to return or even call. Gabby consistently ignored him.   

Dan had his dad...and Phil? Phil was a friend. His only friend at the moment. 

They hung out and talked during school and Dan was pretty sure Phil liked him. His hand kept brushing his at the mall and Phil kept looking at him funny. So maybe... he was kind of cute too. 

Dan wiped the tears off of his face and put down his paintbrush. He could finish this later, right now he just needed to sleep his recent panic and the jumbled thoughts off. He rummaged through his backpack and pulled out his earbuds, plugging them up and laying down in his bed. Sleep came quickly, he was exhausted. 

 

/////

 

“So you’re like for sure for sure in love with him,” Annalise asked, taking a deep hit. 

 

“Well I would say ‘ _in love_ ’ but I definitely really like him...more than I’ve liked anyone else before,” Phil responded, watching as the other girl released the smoke. He surprisingly wasn’t in the mood to smoke. 

 

“Whoa...you like him more than me Phil-bill? And I thought we had something special,” she replied with faked shock and hurt in her eyes. 

 

“Oh my god Annalise of course not, I love you. Will you marry me?”

 

”Of course, my knight in...not really that shiny but still, my knight in shining armor. But maybe you should tell the others? They can help get you two together... damsel in distress type shit.”

 

”Thomas and Wolfgang are cool but I don’t know how they would react to me liking guys and we are definitely not going to do that to Dan. He’s literally super quiet all the time and I don’t think creating a ‘damsel in distress’ scenario would go over very well,” Phil said.

 

”Thomas and Wolfgang probably wouldn’t care.”

 

”Yeah I guess. But still, not really in the mood to come out to any more people,” Phil laughed.

 

”Alright,” Annalise responded, taking another hit from the neglected joint. 

 

“””””

 

School was relatively uneventful. Besides Dan, Phil remained generally uninterested in his classes. He spent art watching Dan draw his flowers and Life lessons trying to get him to talk a little bit more. 

Phil loved his voice. 

However, it was obvious to Phil that something was wrong with Dan. While he seemed to be acting his normal, shy and quiet self, the smell of honey that accompanied him wherever he went was still strangely missing. Phil had gone to his work to see if he could “get some ice cream” and see Dan but he wasn’t there. 

 

“Psst, Dan...”

 

”Yeah,” Dan whispered back,eyeing the other boy out the corner of his eye. 

 

Phil didn’t know what came over him **(which happened a lot around Dan apparently)** but even the words that left his own mouth startled him.

“Wanna hang out after school?”

 

Dan looked up, brown eyes locked on Phil’s blue ones. The surprise was evident.

 

“Do you wanna hang out after school? We can go to my house or your house or whatever,” Phil repeated.

 

”Oh...ermmm s-sure. I just need to text my dad then I guess. I don’t have my car though...and I need to go back home to pick up some of my things,” Dan replied. 

 

“That’s fine,” Phil responded, happily. “I have a car, we can just swing by your house then head to mine yeah? Or wherever you wanna go.”

 

”Yeah that sounds g-good. We can do that.”

 

”Awesome,” he responded, smiling. 

 

Phil spent the rest of the day anxiously tapping his foot, unbelievably excited to be hanging out with Dan after school. How had he gone to a badass to some teen with a schoolgirl crush? Phil rolled his eyes at the thought and continued to attempt not to show his inner excitement. Phil was a badass. He didn’t show any emotion like that. 

He glanced at the time on his phone, only two more hours and this shit was over, then it would just be Dan and him. Phil smiled to himself. His leg and foot jiggled and tapped in anticipation. 

 

/////

 

“D-dad? Sorry for bothering you...um my friend wants to h-hang out after school? He said he can drop me off r-real quick so I can change and pick up my medicine and stuff...C-c-can I go,” Dan near whispered into the phone. 

 

“Yeah, sure I guess. I’ll probably be staying later after work anyways for a meeting, but are you gonna be ok kiddo? Promise you’re gonna take your meds and everything? Any homework? Need I go on?”

 

”I-I promise.”

 

”Alright. Oh and Dan?”

 

”Yeah?”

 

”No sex,” his Dad responded, before the hearty laugh afterwards was cut off by him hanging up. 

 

Dan was positive he had turned beet red.  He let his head drop back onto the bathroom wall, where he had curled up on the floor to call his dad. It was lunch period and he wasn’t hungry. His heart had been jackrabbiting against his sternum when he had called his dad. 

He wasn’t sure if he was expecting his dad to get mad or say no or something, but he couldn’t help that constant anxiety. 

Between his...ex and therapy and school and everything he was stressed out. _So_ stressed out. Even his mom had yet to call or at least text him. Dan shook his head and stood up, dusting off his black skinny jeans and a new pink hoodie with Japanese blossoms on the front he had gotten a few days earlier. He may have been fired from his job, but he still had some money left over. 

Glancjng the the mirror he noticed that his hair would need to be dyed again soon and the deep bags under his eyes. Although they looked a bit extreme, they still didn’t match up with how tired he truly felt. 

Dan splashed some water on his face from the bathroom sink and headed out the bathroom, not near ready enough to brave the rest of the day and then go to Phil’s house afterwards. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter....Dan and Phil go hang out again *cough date cough*   
> ;)))  
> We’re getting closer you guyssss mwah hah hah hah hahhhhhh


	12. Maybe we could be more than friends (you are beautiful, I’m afraid)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Satan says we’re dangerous.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being gone for so long :*( school and personal problems and literally everything and idk. In a few months I may legitimately not have a home anymore so I need to find a job and figure out where the hell im going to live. Also writers block is a bitch and I’ll probably be really slow on updating. But I will not give up on this fic!! Trust me I’m here!! Only death will stop me from updating. If it’s been like a year and I have updated then assume I’m dead. I wanted to get thischapter up on Jan 1st..but that plan fell through lmao. Anyways that’s all! Enjoy this shitty and short chapter!!! Leave a comment!!!!

 

“And here we are,” Phil said, putting the car in park and killing the ignition. “Home sweet home.”

 

”O-oh okay.”

 

”Well. In we go yeah? I have a lot of siblings just a heads up, they may surprise you.”

 

”That’s fine,” Dan responded, a pale hand running through his curly hair. His other hand had somewhat of a death grip on his backpack. 

Phil gave him a slight smile and got out of the car, Dan following his footsteps. Even through the thick front door Phil could hear his siblings screaming in excitement. He briefly wondered what the hell they where doing. 

Upon opening the door, both boys were greeted with the sight of the two youngest play wrestling and the others playing dance central on the tv. 

 

“Well, follow me Dan,” Phil said to Dan.

 

His foster siblings probably wouldn’t notice them at all. Phil closed the door and quickly lead Dan to his room, closing the door behind him. 

 

“Well this is it. The dragons lair,” Phil laughed. 

 

/////

 

Phil’s room was covered with posters, some of which Dan recognized and others he didn’t. The bed had a dark green bed spread and there was a dresser right beside it.  

 

“Well I actually don’t have any chairs in my room so you can sit on the bed or floor if you’d like,” Phil said.

 

“T-the bed?”

 

”Yeah..”

 

Well that wouldn’t be too bad would it? It was just a bed, plus his wrist was still a bit stiff. To have to push himself off the floor when he was ready to leave would probably be painful. 

Dan slowly walked towards the bed and sat on the very edge. Phil deposited his backpack on the floor and came to sit beside Dan.

 

“So. How are you?”

 

What?

 

“I-I’m okay, what a-about you?”

 

”Pretty good.”

 

This was awkward. Why had he ever agreed to this? He was so stupid. Phil and him had been to the mall and movies before, sure, but they hadn’t hung out in private before. 

 

“This is awkward as fuck,” Phil laughed, some how reading Dan’s mind as he threw himself back onto the bed. Phil stretched his arms out until they hit the wall. “So do you do drugs Dan?”

 

”W-what,” Dan asked, cheeks turning an alarming red within seconds”,n-no...”

 

”I do occasionally. I’m not addicted or anything, but it can be fun. But if you don’t take any, then I’m not gonna be the one that gets you on it.”

 

”Okay...”

 

Dan startled when Phil jumped up and out of the bed. He watched as the black hair boy opened the drawer to his dressed and frantically fumbled through it. Phil pulled out a small camera, one used to take photos and print them automatically. 

 

“Oh! How cute,” Dan exclaimed, surprising both himself and Phil with his loudness. 

 

“Sorry...”

 

“For what?”

 

Dan blushed and looked down at his fidgeting hands.

 

“So...wanna take some pictures,” Phil asked with a hopeful smirk, holding up the camera in his hand.

 

“Sure...”

 

/////

 

Phil sat so close to Dan he could feel his body heat radiating. His heart hammering.

Should he do it? 

Phil was absolutely positive the cute boy sitting next to him could _hear_ his heart. Maybe even feel it with how close they were, as Phil took picture after picture of them together. Dan giggled softly as they made funny face after funny face...

And god, he was so cute. 

Dan’s hair was pale and washed out, and he was so clearly tired but...Phil saw right through it. Dan was beautiful. 

Beautiful? Was it proper to call a guy that? 

Phil’s teeth began chattering as the nerves took over. He didn’t really know Dan all that well but he was damn sure that he really liked him. Really, really, _really_ liked him. 

 

“D-Dan...”

 

”Yeah,” he asked, turning to face Phil.

 

_Just do it, you pussy._

And then Phil tilted forwards, until both of their lips pressed together. 


End file.
